Responsibility

I have this dilemma going on inside myself. I've been praying for a long time about a couple of areas of my life in which I think I might have some giftings, but haven't explored their use in the kingdom of God much. Specifically, these areas are painting and public speaking (sometimes taking the form of preaching or teaching or leading).

So far in life, I would call these hobbies, interests, or pursuits that are not central to who I am. In the past year, though, I find them being pushed right into the center of my field of vision. To tell you the truth, I am nervous as hell about this. I'm nervous about the idea of things that I do for fun becoming regular obligations. I don't want the accountability that comes with saying, "Yes, these are things I do for God."

I'm not too interested in censoring my art or my speech, or, for that matter, in developing a consciousness about either. I love speaking my mind, and what I can't say, I love to put on a canvass or draw out all over paper. I love having that to myself. I'm feeling pretty possessive about it all, but I'm trying to hard to turn these things over. To start giving with them instead of just taking satisfaction from them.

But I don't like responsibility. I don't really care much for making commitments. I'm getting what I've been praying for, and I'm being reassured by reassuring people, but it's stressing me out. I've been asking, "God, what am I supposed to do with this?" and God, of course has been saying, "Use it!"

My aversion to anything that feels like an obligation is sucking some of the joy out of these pursuits. I think maybe the next step is to start praying for maturity to gladly follow the leading of the Spirit.

Yeah. I'll bet that's it.